The Not-So-Fantastic Four with Jessica Alba

When it comes to superhero teams, I've always been an Marvel man. Although DC presents us with kick-ass heroes who can take on the world, they are usually of alien or supernatural origin, thus placing them outside of the sphere of normal human beings. The epitome of this, obviously, being Superman, who is so far beyond normality that his alter-ego is in fact the bespectacled Clark Kent. Most heroes put on a suit in order to become their powerful personas; Kent meanwhile does the opposite. Relatable? Not to the angsty teen that resides within my soul.

As such I've always turned more towards Spider-Man and the X-Men; everyday teenagers who for whatever reason, be it genetic mutation or radioactive spider bite suddenly have their world turned upside-down as great power endows them with great responsibility. Struggling with the forces of evil whilst at the same time dealing with the mundanity of everyday life is something that we all dream of once in a while.

Whether it's the real life issues of Spider-Man (maintaining a job, struggling with relationships or looking after ailing relatives), the political agendas of the X-Men (racism, prejudice and, more recently, homosexuality in the form of Northstar and his newly-wed husband), or even presenting wartime America with a much needed "captain", Marvel has always done its utmost to provide comfort to its readers in the form of the fantastic.

Which is why I've never understood the appeal of the Fantastic Four. As I sit watching what is in fact the third FF movie, Rise of the Silver Surfer, I find myself questioning Marvel's continuous adamance in getting us to like this rather bizarre group. The first film, a delightful Roger Corman produced b-movie was watchable merely for its godawful special effects. The reboot was undoubtably terrible, made only slightly redeemable by the terrible miscasting of Jessica Alba (who I could happily just watch eating a sandwich for ninety minutes), and its sequel is made only marginally better by the addition of everyone's favourite galactic surfer dude. So why, oh why, Marvel, are we now expected to sit through next year's reboot starring Billy Elliot as the gravelly Ben Grimm??

So why doesn't the Fantastic Four work? Let's first have a look at the characters for a start;

Reed Richards (Mr. Fantastic)

The leader of our team is know to be the smartest man on earth. A super-genius with the utterly lame ability to stretch himself into any shape imaginable. His secondary power is to be strangely attractive to really hot women. And he has salt-and-pepper sideburns. All in all, how many kids want to be a physicist with all the power of a rubber band? I know I certainly didn't.

Sue Richards (The Invisible Woman)

Sure, Sue is one of the sexiest women in the Marvel Universe, and made all the sexier when played by Miss Alba, but she had a power that everyone knows should only be given to horny boys in their teens; invisibility. The ability to disappear from sight has only two uses in this world; sneaking into the girls' locker room, and bank robbery. So why on earth give it to a girl? And one that works for the good guys at that?

Johnny Storm (The Human Torch)

Now, the Human Torch is pretty cool. Ability to control fire has always been on my wish list, and one of the best superhero catchphrases of all time make him the one actually appealing hero in the troupe. That said, making him a super cool stunt racer and ladies man with an attitude problem make him little more than a slightly less cool Tony Stark. I half wish they'd made him gay just so "flame on!" Had a hilarious double meaning.

Ben Grimm (The Thing)

The Thing really drew the short straw in the comic book world. Not only does he have one of the lamest names in comic history, his power is that he's so hideously gravelly that he's only attractive to blind people. I'm sorry, Ben, but sucks to be you.

Not only are their powers and characters weak, the Fantastic Four are also "out" in the superhero world. Sure, during the Utopia story arc the X-Men walked freely around the streets of San Francisco in a state of mutant acceptance, but that soon fell apart and now they're treated once again as terrorists against humanity. The Fantastic Four meanwhile have been open to the public about their powers for decades and never run into any problems. Life is simply too cushy for us to really ever see any danger for them.

And then there's the kids. Kids in sci-fi suck. Fact. The one exception is Runaways' Molly Hayes. Franklin and Valeria Richards not only have rubbish names, they also fall into the inevitable pantsness of fictional children. Spider-man doesn't have kids. Just sayin'.

The one redeeming feature of Fantastic Four books is their villains. Victor Von Doom is an awesome antagonist, harking back to gothic villains of Victorian horror, whilst Galactus literally eats planets for breakfast. For good measure, we'll ignore Mole Man and Puppet Master.

All in all, I simply feel that of all the heroes in the Marvel Universe, the Fantastic Four make for the dullest team. Individually, they aren't that great, and as a quartet, the fall far from Fantastic. So why, Marvel, don't you stop trying to ram them down our throats. Why not concentrate on making that Runaways movie you've been promising for the last decade? Or a delightfully dark Dr. Strange? Christ, I'd even settle for a decent Howard the Duck reboot!