Birthday Shenanigans with Alfie Moon

I love my birthday. Continuing my quest to maintain my childlike demeanour, I like to look on the annual celebration of getting older as an excuse to rekindle a little more of my ever-fading youth. Whether it be holding a Disney themed fancy dress party, or dragging all of my dearest friends into the woods for a giant game of hide-and-seek, my quest for eternal youth through the quite trivial yearly ritual always leads me on some bizarre adventure or another.

This year has been no different. Indeed, as I rapidly approach the end of my late twenties, I have had arguably one of the most childish weekends of my last two decades.

Kicking off with a trip to London on Saturday, courtesy of my father-in-law-to-be, I spent the morning in Hamleys toy store, the largest toy shop in the world, and a place that never fails to fill me with the utmost joy. Spanning seven floors, Hamleys houses every kind of plaything one could imagine, and even more that one could never imagine in the wildest of dreams. Staffed by a motley crew of magicians and toy enthusiasts, Hamleys is like a real life Wonka factory, and although at least half of our visit was spent admiring the intricate Lego sculptures, I still find myself feeling like I did at age six when my parents would take me out for the pre-Christmas shopping spree.

After a trip down the river of chocolate, I received another piece of my childhood; a box of Lucky Charms from one of my dearest friends, a cereal that I have not eaten since primary school, since it was banned in the UK for having more sugar than the unhealthiest of desserts.

After the mandatory trip to Hard Rock Cafe, wherein I was treated to a free birthday boy sundae and a highly embarrassing (yet somehow satisfying) musical rendition, we returned home. Thereafter, my other childhood obsession was indulged with a trip to the cinema to see none other than the new Muppets movie.

Now, despite my lifelong love of the Muppets, it dawned on me this evening that I have not actually seen a Muppets movie at the pictures since The Muppet Christmas Carol in 1992. After their last outing, however, I had high hopes for Muppets Most Wanted, our fuzzy friends' latest global escapade. In 2011, The Muppets shone as a heartwarming yet hilarious addition to the Henson legacy. Alas, for me at least, Most Wanted was something of a disappointment. Funny, yes, but lacking in story, in music and most importantly, in Muppets. When writing a Muppet movie, one needs to balance between the calvacade of characters that we so dearly love. Unfortunately, this time round, the only characters to get more than a line (and flippant words of agreement at that) are Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie and Kermit's evil doppelgänger Constantine. Ironically, Rizzo the Rat (in his only line) sums it up beautifully when he points out that favourite characters aren't getting a word in edge ways. It's a shame, as the opening number brought so much promise, only for it to be pasted over with a Ricky Gervais coloured wallpaper. And if I wanted to watch him being dull for an hour and a half, I'd rent Ghost Town again.

So that was this year's birthday, or, as I like to think of it, "I'm still a kid, so shut up" Day. Of course it's not all child's play. My favourite presents this year were the delightful array of shirts I received. Enough, in fact, to make Shane Ritchie jealous. Maybe this time next year I'll have enough to put down a deposit on a pub. 

By which, of course, I mean flat.

No. I mean pub.

Time For a Top Ten with Tim Curry

Tim Curry is truly a living legend. One of Britain's finest character actors, his career has spanned over thirty years, and brought us some of cinema's finest villains, and animation's greatest voice performances. He has also recorded some absolutely sensational albums (his rendition of Baby Love by The Supremes is an experience one never forgets) and haunted the dreams of anyone with any inkling of a fear of clowns.

This week, through happy coincidence (thank you Film4), I have had the pleasure of sitting through a number of Curry's finest films, and found myself realising that this is a man who has never given a bad performance. Sure, he's been in some bloody awful movies (Garfield A Tale of Two Kitties... Scary Movie 2... Barbie in the Nutcracker...), but hey, he still made the best of the dire scripts.

So to celebrate the awesomeness that is Timothy James Curry, and to thank him for keeping up my spirits over the last week, I decided this evening to put together a run down of my favourite Curry portrayals. originally, it was going to be a top five, but I simply could not narrow it down. So here's ten...

10. Cardinal Richelieu (The Three Musketeers, 1993)

There are two things that always come to mind when you think of this rather lacklustre Disney swashbuckler. The first is the awesome theme song from the musketeers of rock Sting, Stewart and Adams, and the second is Curry's delicious performance as the scheming cardinal. Peter Capaldi comes close in his weaslyness, but Curry will always be the definitive Richelieu.

9. Taurus Bulba (Darkwing Duck, 1991-1995)

Darkwing was by far my favourite Disney Club cartoon; sure Rescue Rangers was great, and Ducktales is more iconic, but as a kid (and even now to be quite honest), the mishaps of St. Canard's blundering superhero were utterly enthralling. The thing that made Darkwing so memorable though was its villains, and none were so sinister as crime lord Taurus Bulba, brought to glorious life by the inimitable Curry.

8. Herkermer Homolka (Congo, 1995)

Don't get me wrong, Congo is an absolutely atrocious film, which is a real shame seeing as Michael Crichton's book, upon which it is based, is one of his finest. It's one redeeming feature however, is. Curry's comedic turn as the overly camp Romanian philanthropist with one of the daftest names to ever hit the silver screen. The fact that the character isn't even in the book makes it a true Curry original!

7. Darkness (Legend, 1985)

Tom Cruise fannying about chasing after unicorns in one of the worst scripted fantasy films of all time... Let's face it, if it weren't for Curry's portrayal of the demon Darkness (obviously not supposed to be the devil!), Legend would have quite rightfully disappeared into the gallery of embarrassing eighties movies only referenced in those "way back when" specials. Unfortunately, Curry was, as always, so damn good in this film that we are cursed forever to sit through endless reruns... You win Darkness. You most definitely win...

6. Mr. Jigsaw (Loaded Weapon 1, 1993)

Loaded Weapon is one of the best, if oft forgotten, spoofs to come out of National Lampoon's calvacade. Emilio Estevez and Samuel L. Jackson solve a spate of hilarious murders all pupeteered by Curry's evil Mr. Jigsaw. Who turns up at one point in the film as a wilderness girl. If you haven't seen it, find it, love it, and thank me later.

5. Long John Silver (Muppet Treasure Island, 1996)

There are few actors who can take a role in a Muppets film (and one of the best Muppet films at that) and actually outshine the Muppets. Tim Curry as Long John is simply wonderful, both touching and treacherous at the same time, and his "only number", Professional Pirate is one of his finest musical numbers to date.

4. Dr. Frank N. Furter (The Rocky Horror Picture Show, 1975)

The role that brought Curry to the world's attention is everybody's favorite sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania. The plot is nonsense, and the second half is famously one of the weakest in MT, but how can you argue with one of cinema's greatest cult movies? And Curry never fails to leave us trembling with antici.....

3. Nigel Thornberry (The Wild Thornberrys, 1998-2004)

The Wild Thornberrys was one of Nickelodeon's most delightful shows, with a concept we can all relate to. After all, who at some point in their life hasn't dreamed of being able to converse with animal? And to have Tim Curry as their father?? Nigel is one of the most iconic cartoon characters of the nineties, and earns his place at number three on the list.

2. Wadsworth (Clue, 1985)

An all star cast in a movie based on a board game? Clue really should not have worked, and indeed still has some stigma surrounding it amongst those who have never dared watch it. The farce is hilarious, owing in abundance to Curry's mesmerising turn as master of ceremonies Wadsworth the butler, who at the same time acts as narrator, hero, comic relief, and, ultimately (depending on which ending you draw) villain.

1. Pennywise the Dancing Clown (IT, 1990)

Having haunted the dreams of anyone who has had the pleasure of watching one of cinema's greatest Stephen King adaptations, and even filling those with no previous fear of clowns with a severe case of coulrophobia, there is no way that Pennywise could come anywhere but top of the list. The embodiment of evil, Curry is almost unrecognisable as he throws himself entirely into the role, every movement, every utterance as terryfying as the last. And gosh darn did he teach us not to accept balloons from clowns in storm drains. After all, we all float down here...

Thank you Mr. Curry for making us laugh, making us sing, and terrifying us to our very souls.

Oh...

....pation!

A Walk in the Park with Squirrel Girl

I love nature. People often ask me what I miss the most about Japan, and my answer is always the same; the wildlife. My summer days in the south of Japan were shared with a cornucopia of furry friends and creepy crawlies, including Stuart, my house gecko, and Gerrald, the dinner plate-sized spider that lived above my front door. My morning coffees were spent with the terrapins and snakes out on the balcony, and at times I genuinely felt like I was living in a Gerald Durrell book.

So returning to the UK to our less-than-inspiring native fauna has been something of a disappointment. Up in Durham, it's rare to see anything more exotic than a pigeon, let alone a cheerful turtle.

As such, it has been with a childlike glee that I have spent the last few days wandering through the parks of Bournemouth, only to be confronted by hundreds (not exaggerating here) of bushy-tailed grey squirrels. I know many will argue that they are vermin, or that the are an invasive Yankie species, driving out our native reds like McDonalds has destroyed Wimpy, but personally I love them. Their neurotic antics and curious nature utterly endearing.

So, in true Inner Monoblog fashion, to celebrate my rekindled adoration for our bushy friends, I've put together a short list of my favourite squirrels. Enjoy!

5. Squirrel Nutkin

The protagonist of Beatrix Potter's eponymous Tale, Squirrel Nutkin is one of Potter's darkest stories. A complete ass, who enjoys nothing more than annoying people, Nutkin goes too far in his taunting of Old Brown the owl, and almost gets himself skinned by the foul-tempered tawny. Fortunately, Nutkin escapes, merely losing his tail in the process, but learns that being an annoying douche has painful consequences.

4. Squeakers

Another annoying little bugger, this fellow makes the list for having some of The Emporer's New Groove's most hilariously memorable scenes. Whether it's threatening to wake a group of sleeping wolves by popping a balloon llama (where the heck does he get a balloon from in C15 Peru??) or conversing in squirrel talk with Patrick Warburton, he's one of the real stars of this highly underrated Disney flick.

3. The Squirrel Nut Zippers

One of my all time favourite bands, The Squirrel Nut Zippers are a delightfully eclectic mix of Ska, Jazz and Big Band. You've probably never heard of them, but their song Hell has been used on dozens of movie soundtracks, so you'll know at least one of their tunes.

4. Slappy the Squirrel

Animaniacs was a freakin' amazing show. Witty, well animated, and surprisingly educational (Wacko's States and their Capitals song has stuck with me for almost twenty years now), Animaniacs boasted some of the most well thought-out characters ever seen in a kids show. Pinky and the Brain, Chicken Boo, and of course, the crotchety old rodent, Slappy the Squirrel. Living in an old tree with her peppy nephew Scrappy, Slappy will always stay in my nostalgia banks as the woman who taught me the old joke about the Who being on stage... "Who's on stage?" "That's right!" "No, Who's on stage??" "Who!" "That's what I said!" Etc, etc...

5. Doreen Green 

One of Marvel's lesser-known heroes, Doreen Green, better known as Squirrel Girl is actually one of Earth 616's mightiest heroes, having taken down Doctor Doom, Wolverine and even Thanos single handedly. She has served the Avengers, the Great Lakes Avengers and currently works for Heroes for Hire (albeit as Jessica Jones and Luke Cage's nanny) and has a delightful sidekick called Monkey Joe. Admittedly, my secret love of furries may have helped her top this list, but hey, we all have our kinks.

Why You Can Always Rely on The Muppets with Dr. Bunsen Honeydew

Today has been one of those annoyingly kick-in-the-teeth kind of days... I'm full of man-flu, meaning that my vocals and general demeanor have been in no fit state to take advantage of Monday's usually lucrative buskings, and worst still, the flat in Bournemouth that I had put down a deposit on a mere two days ago has fallen through, thus leaving me about ten days to find a new abode from four hundred miles away... Fun times.

So what do I find myself doing? The same thing I tend to do every time life gives me a good beating; curling up in bed with a mug of hot ribena and delving into the world of Jim Henson,

The Muppets have always been a source of comfort to me. Maybe it's from the huge amount of Sesame Street I was plonked in front of as a baby. Perhaps it's that Muppet Babies is one of the first non-Disney cartoons I can remember religiously watching as a pre-schooler. Then there's Fraggle Rock; one of the few eighties TV shows that actually lived up to its theme tunes...

Side note: Seriously, we all remember TV themes from the eighties; Turtles, Captain Planet, Thundercats, but save for Disney's entries into the eighties/early nineties oeuvre (Rescue Rangers, Ducktales, Gummy Bears, Darkwing Duck, all of which had stellar intros, matched by equally awesome shows) how many of these cartoons were actually good? Put the nostalgia aside for a moment and watch an episode of Ulysses 31 and you'll realise what absolute dross was being smothered by an amazing piece of synth rock. Anyways...

When I was six I was given the choice of going to see Jason Donovan playing Joseph, or going to the pictures to see A Muppet Christmas Carol at the pictures. Looking back, I've always had the most outstanding taste. 

I think the major turning point, however, was when my family and I uprooted to Durham the week of my tenth birthday. I have vivid memories of being sat around the television on that first Friday night, hundreds of miles from my erstwhile home, watching in comfort as the premiere of (the sadly short lived) Muppets Tonight aired on BBC1. I realised then how much the Muppets meant to me. Had I known at that point that in my late twenties I'd still be finding solace in their fuzzy hides, I may well have made some very different life choices. But ho hum.

So as I sit watching Muppet Treasure Island, mouthing along to the entire script and yet still laughing my pants off, I figured it was time to give celebration and thanks to the merry band that have kept me company so very well thoughout the years.

How to do that? Why a countdown of my favourite Muppet movies of course! And hey, there's actually ten Muppet movies! A comprehensive top ten indeed!!

10. The Muppets Wizard of Oz

The most annoying thing about this film is that it should and could have been amazing. But it isn't. It's not funny, it's not heart-warming, and it's a good thing so few people have seen it, as it genuinely besmirches the Muppets' good name.

9. The Muppets Take Manhattan

The main problem with Take Manhattan? I must have seen it a dozen times, but can only remember Piggy's Muppet Babies dream sequence. It's kind of like only remembering Happy Days for the Mork and Mindy episode, that'd be insane!

8. Kermit's Swamp Years

Actually not that bad a film, but suffers immensely from a lack of Muppets. Indeed, aside from Kermit and a brief cameo from a young Statler and Waldorf, there's not a single recognisable character. Hmmmmm...

7. It's a Very Muppet Christmas Movie

Admittedly, we're already starting to get into the golden goodness of Muppet-dom, though this is the weakest of a great bunch. It's It's a Wonderful Life with Muppets. What more do you want from a Christmas film? Well... More on that later...

6. The Great Muppet Caper

Kermit and Fozzie play identical twins. Nuff said.

5. Muppets From Space

A really underrated film, this is probably the funniest Muppets movie to date. The pop-culture references are spot on, the idea of Gonzo actually being an alien, guided by cosmic wish fish, is hilarious, and Pepe's line "I have some green jello mmmkay?" Is simply priceless.

4. A Muppet Christmas Carol

I'll probably get some flack for putting this in fourth, and yes, it is my (and everybody else's) favourite Christmas film. It has Michael Caine in genuinely one of his finest performances ever (seriously, the conviction he puts into the role is astounding), some wonderful music, and always manages to put me in the Christmas spirit a'proper. No buts. Just I think these other three have higher merits...

3. The Muppets

The most recent entry to the canon is a love letter to Muppets fans of all ages; young Walter represents every fan from every country across the globe and as such helps to deliver us exactly what we needed; great music, a tear-jerking ending, just enough of each Muppet to keep us satisfied ("priceless!"), and the feeling that we have always, and will always need more Henson in our lives.

2. Muppet Treasure Island

Probably the most quotable Muppet film, with the catchiest tunes and Tim Curry being ruddy amazing. Fact.

1. The Muppet Movie

I couldn't not put this in first place; it truly is a classic. A road movie with a difference. From the opening credits and that Oscar winning song, I always had a rainbow connection (see what I did there) with this film, and still laugh every time someone mentions a fork in the road. Oh, and also it introduced Steve Martin to the world, so without this film, we could never have had The Man With Two Brains. And what kind of a world would THAT be???

So there we have it. A big thank you to Mr. Henson for brightening my life for pretty much as long as I remember, and kudos to his team for continuining his legacy in some equally wonderful films in the years that have followed. Unfortunately, come May, I get the feeling Wizard of Oz will be disappearing from the top ten as Muppets Most Wanted hits our screens. But that's probably not such a bad thing. Seriously. Disney, what the hell were you thinking?